What to do if you are grieving

The emotional journey of grief can be very painful and challenging for people. It involves emotional states such as sadness, shock, anger, fear, guilt, confusion, anxiety because it is a process of letting go of the loss of a loved one, the end of a significant relationship or many, or any major life change that results in a sense of loss such quieting a job, changing home, the death of an old version of yourself or how things used to be. 

Most of the time, it is a highly undesirable experience that people often want to avoid. Yet, to surrender to the grief process is the best gift we can give ourselves. 

So how does a person heal from the grief they are experiencing:

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1. Stop gaslighting yourself: Embrace the reality of your situation and stop convincing yourself you are ok with something you are not ok with. Instead of forcing yourself to conform to societal expectations of grief that you should be ok or you should deal with it gracefully is something that you should let go. I invite you to be present with the absolute shock of the absence of what you lost. 

2. Be gentle with yourself: Grieving is a deeply personal journey, and it's important to be gentle with yourself during this time. Allow yourself to feel the full spectrum of emotions that arise, whether it's sadness, anger, or confusion. Give yourself permission to take the time you need to heal, recognizing that there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

3. Sink into Your Emotions: accept and feel the emotions that arise during the grieving process.. The emotions that are going to come up are normal, as extreme as they may be. The worst thing to do is to resist, suppress and find ways to numb yourself. It is important to trust that emotions are not there to kill you no matter how uncomfortable they may be. Eventually by feeling them and letting this process of big transformation to occur, we come out on the other side where the new you can be born. Emotions are consciousness and as you choose to feel them, they flow and as they flow they are being transformed and as a result, you are being transformed.

4. Express Yourself: Find ways to express your emotions and gain awareness about how you feel, what you need, what needs to change in your life to help in this difficult time. The expression can be done through journaling or recording yourself expressing what is occurring within you. 

5. Find time alone:  if people are disconnected from their emotions around you it can be extremely challenging to go through the waves of grief. Unfortunately, not many people are emotionally mature and this can be the case in our social groups during grief.  We can feel extremely unsafe or as if there is something wrong with us in the presence of those people. It is ok to seek time on your own and create a safe space for you to be authentically where you are. There is nothing wrong with you for having emotions and wanting more time to accept the reality of what is happening. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

6. Seek Support: we are not meant to navigate this journey alone. Connect with people who understand and accept you at any stage of your experience. People who are able to hold space, be present and gentle with you. People who can understand your needs at this period and support you to find ways to meet them. During grief, having people who understand your needs can be incredibly beneficial. For instance, a friend might offer to help with household chores. This might include tasks like cleaning, doing laundry, or grocery shopping. These acts of kindness can make a meaningful difference in your grieving process. Or a friend who creates a safe space for you to express your emotions, whether it's sharing memories of the person you've lost or discussing your current emotional state. This kind of support helps you feel understood and less isolated as you navigate your grief. This is the exact opposite of the absence that you are dealing with. That’s why it is crucial to have people because they give you a hand in the process of experiencing loss and absence. If you don’t have family and friends, I invite you to find a therapist and support groups who can help you in that difficult period of your life. . 

7. Become aware of the trauma that is triggered: When we lose someone we love, it can often bring up feelings and memories related to earlier traumatic experiences of loss. Triggers are an emotional flashback. This emotional flashback can intensify the grief process, as a very emotional aspect of memory is now back. Past emotions resurface, making it important to acknowledge and understand these triggers. Triggers are trying to bring you back to something unresolved and it’s the perfect opportunity to heal in a deeper level.

8.  Allow yourself to experience relapses: Relapses can be a common part of the healing process, and it's important to recognize that healing is often not a linear journey. Individuals may experience ups and downs, and setbacks can occur. Understanding that healing involves both progress and setbacks can help you approach your journey with compassion and patience. It’s crucial to acknowledge that relapses do not mean failure; rather, they can provide opportunities for learning and growth. Relapses can manifest as renewed feelings of sorrow, difficulty in managing daily tasks, or a resurgence of physical symptoms related to grief. Recognizing that healing from grief is often non-linear can help us be more understanding, allowing for the possibility that setbacks are a natural part of the journey.

Let’s be honest, grief is often an unwelcome experience that many would prefer didn’t exist. However,  as I explained above it is a process that requires careful navigation, and while it is important not to bypass the emotions associated with loss or stay stuck in grief or hastily adopt broader philosophical perspectives such as stating “Everything happens for a reason" or "This is all part of a larger plan," immediately after a loss, it is also true that grief can lead to significant personal transformation. The gift of grief and loss is that when our life falls apart, we have the opportunity to create  a life that aligns more closely with our true selves. The experience of grief can serve as a catalyst for change, offering an opportunity to reevaluate your life and priorities. In this sense, loss can prompt us to create a new life. The challenges that come our way, they are not meant to back us down. They are not a curse or proof that we have come to live a life of suffering. They are not meant to stop our expansion. The loss that we are going through is meant to upgrade us, to shift your perception and put us in a state of connection again. Connection with yourself and others. 

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