The Antidote To Addiction

Imagine that there is a laboratory, and in the laboratory, there is a rat in a cage. The rat is all alone with no other community of rats. Two water bottles are placed inside the cage. One is just water, and the other is laced with either heroin or cocaine. The rat has the free will to choose but repetitively drinks from the drug-laced bottle until it dies.

In 1970, the scientist Bruce wondered what would happen if the setting of the cage changed. In Bruce’s new experiment, he constructed a rat park with tunnels, toys, good food and, most importantly, the rats were together. They were free to play and socialize. The drugged water and the regular water stay the same, but this time rats do not choose the drugged water. The conclusion was that it wasn’t the drug that created addicts but the cage and isolation they were trapped in that drove them to become addicts.

We can easily say that the opposite of addiction is sobriety, but if we look deeper, we can see that the opposite of addiction can be connection.

We live in a world with billions of people yet starve deep closeness and connection. Loneliness is the number one source of suffering and what we all try to avoid through different kinds of distractions. So, of course, we run to the local store to grab a vodka. Of course, we call the drug dealer at the end of or even during the week. Of course, we’ll find ways to numb ourselves. The truth is that there is so much stigma and shame around addictive behaviours. Still, all addictions — alcohol or drugs, shopping, gaming, sex addiction or internet addiction — are attempts to regulate our internal emotional states because we’re uncomfortable.

Many people cannot bear to be present with the discomfort in their lives without addictive behaviours. It is understandable. The torment of feeling lonely is beyond words. (You do not need to be completely alone, you can be with other people in the same room and still feel alone.)

One of the major reasons we cannot bear to be present with the discomfort is that we have not learned how to connect with our emotions, especially the negative ones. Nobody guided or taught us to regulate and learn from them. In some cases, we were even punished or shamed for having them. In today’s world, we have unlimited information at our fingertips. We can take advantage of this available knowledge to help us expand, heal, awaken, or let the darkness of ignorance continue to run the show. And unfortunately, it is common to come across parenting advice that entirely ignores the world of emotions and celebrates their disconnection.

However, by allowing and amplifying the emotion, our increased awareness leads to the root of the issue that has been separated from consciousness. It enables us to become aware of our deep needs, admit to them and find ways to meet them directly. We can also release anything that no longer serves us, such as outdated strategies or coping mechanisms detrimental to our well-being. Emotions are like a portal back in time where we are becoming aware of our trauma, patterns, belief constructs, limitations learned from family and society, dysfunctional relationship dynamics, etc.

But as children, we learn to treat our emotions like our caregivers treat them. If our caregivers dismissed them, ignored them, or gave no guidance on what to do with these uncomfortable emotions, we do the same with our feelings as adults. Instead of allowing ourselves to feel the pain, we avoid it and choose different coping strategies that bring us short-term relief. But to heal the pain, we must go straight into it. To heal, we need to address and resolve the loneliness. We need to address the trauma and emotional pain of our childhood environment.

Most people believe catastrophic events like a car accident, physical abuse, war, and losing a loved one are considered traumatic. But trauma can happen when a little infant is not picked up when crying. At that moment, nobody was there to help them regulate their nervous system and intense emotions. As a result, the infant stays in a state of unresolved distress. In other words, it is not about what happens externally and how big or catastrophic the event is that defines the trauma but what happens internally at that moment. So even if we grew up in families that were considered good and met societal standards doesn’t mean that we don’t carry trauma within us, especially if we find ourselves having addictions.

When dealing with negative emotions, there are concrete steps we can take to address those emotions and develop intimacy with them. Intimacy is to see, feel, hear and understand something.

1. Find a place where you feel safe and uninterrupted.

2. Become aware of what you feel and what is alive within you.

3. Care about your emotion by accepting it as valid and essential

4. Without trying to change the emotion, witness it.

5. Allow it to arise and embrace it fully.

6. You can find a word to describe it, for example, anger, sadness, or fear.

7. You can say things like: I am learning to be present with you. You are not alone. I am here now. I am learning how to love you and understand you. If you are here, there must be an important reason.

8. Be present as much as you need. Remember that emotions are energy and want to be seen, understood, felt and witnessed. When we give the gift of intimacy of fully seeing, feeling and witnessing them, they allow this energy to move.

It is known that children who develop self-regulation are raised in a healthy emotional environment. The adults around them are attuned to them and are emotionally mature. Those children become adults capable of managing their emotions, handling stress healthily, and meeting their needs directly. They successfully develop intimacy in their relationships. As a result, they have less addictive behaviours and thrive easier in life.

But we were not all lucky enough to grow up in those environments. I know the deep ache of loneliness all too well. I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way. There is a way out of this ‘darkness’, a path forward, to heal the wounds of loneliness and open your heart to connection, intimacy, love, acceptance, touch, closeness and anything you desire.