Subconscious Definition of Love

Rena, 32 years old, grew up with a charismatic workaholic father who was not fully available and responsible for his family. Rena loved him a lot, but he could not show up for her the way she needed. Due to the nature of his job, he had to travel a lot for work. Even though his main focus was work, he had multiple affairs with other women.

Rena's mother was hyper-attuned to her husband, and she effortlessly noticed red flags. They had massive arguments. The anger, fear and pain of the betrayal that she experienced was unbearable.

Many people often respond to betrayal by pulling away from the person who betrayed them. But this is not the case for Rena's mum. She feels super dependent on her husband to meet certain needs, and leaving the relationship could put her safety at risk. Rena's mum also grew up with very conservative parents and has adopted very limited beliefs around marriage. As a result, she wants to avoid the shame that the divorce could bring at all costs, especially in the close society that she lives in.

The fear of the potential consequences of accepting the betrayal makes her stay in the marriage. She gives their marriage another chance and believes that Rena's dad will change.

Indeed, Rena's dad changes enough to restore harmony in the house for a while. But he does not decide to look deeper within himself, either commit to his family or admit that he needs something else. As a result, his pattern and old habits return after a while.

He is super absorbed in his job again. He is attracted to a new woman who gives him short-term relief and escape from his responsibility at home.

Rena grew up with a father who was physically and emotionally unavailable, and she could never feel safe. Rena learnt love meant betrayal, unavailability and inconsistency. Even if she has a conscious definition of love that is sweet, caring and supportive, she also holds a subconscious definition of love, including all her negative associations with her childhood home. In her case, home meant betrayal, inconsistency, and unavailability, and as a result, her subconscious definition of love is all those things.

Unsurprisingly, as an adult, she is attracted by inconsistent and unavailable men. It is deeply painful for her to become involved with these men. They trigger deeper wounds from her childhood. But when she meets them, her subconscious mind celebrates as if it has found the greatest love. The subconscious mind says, "This must be love", as it attempts to heal the father's wound.

The truth is, we meet plenty of people who could potentially be supportive and loving partners, but we don't feel "that spark" with them. The subconscious mind, in charge of our instant biochemical attraction to someone and much more in control of our emotions, says, "Nah, this is not how love feels like".

Rena realizes that becoming aware of her subconscious mind is the first step to attracting the right person in her life. It is the first step towards becoming vigilant about the partners we choose.

Rena meets Simon. Simon seems grounded and aware of what he wants, and his words match his actions. She does not feel the same spark, excitement and chemical explosion of the roller coaster. Instead, she feels calm in his presence.

They have their issues, but Simon is available to find solutions, he is open to listening, and when he promises something, he commits to it. He is consistent, available and only has eyes for her. Rena feels safe even if it is different from what she thought love is. She finally feels peaceful. The relationship is healing. She learns that love means availability, consistency and trust.